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Structure me

Again, floating with no actual need to float, I'd better sink down. Freakishly hard to state anything yet. It is like waiting for a diagnosis. Nor there, nor here. And the problem is - one couldn't say that the mood is bad or joyful. Either way, that would be just a lie. The mood is inconsistent. Unstable. Something annoying is hurting with little spikes. Hurting my back and at the same time spreading small impulses through my neurons and getting deeper in my muscles. But it never causes not even a slight sense of anger. No anger... too bad.

One minute body is standing still with a thought of a sudden collapse. However, that collapse never comes. It's been a long long time and nothing had changed. Nothing was triggered to change. Nothing was made differently to change. The structure just standing waiting to collapse, disseminate. Clutter collectively gathers around and ones body becomes a waste yard. 

Really, haven't figured out how a person can be so disappointed of ones life line and still be a life lover at the same time. It happens. But nothing changes and I am pretty sure it is just because one haven't made a proper step to change it. Structure me because one step forward and two back don't work anymore. Nor body nor brain learn from mistakes. Especially heart. What a heck is matter with that muscle? It supposed to work properly but when head is tricking heart and other way round I have to wait for diagnosis. Impatiently. I packed my bags already, I left, I came back. Why?

And yet trying to calm down magically repeating "You'll be just fine, You'll be just fine, I'm not gonna do anything about it". That must be it. I'm not doing anything about it. Act or forget, you'd say. Bullshit, nor action nor trying to forget helps. I'll take another chance and screw all the opportunities I had, I have or I will have. If I can't get anger naturally I'll build it up. I couldn't be mad on you. But that's not the issue. I couldn't be mad on myself. The tender and carrying heart. Fuck it, really. Why?

It's all because of that book by Ayn Rand.

I don't know if anybody feels the same way. I don't know what the way it is. But god help me to figure out if it is just my silly head or it is a usual thing. Neither way would help me, but at least I could try to compete and get it all straight. And clear, and clean. That's how I like it. Please, structure me. In all positive ways.

CHRIS ROUND pertinent structure photography. You can find and learn more about it here

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