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why things doesn't work out

So I was sitting today all alone in my new apartment, cleaning up, sorting things out, and thinking. All day long. Thinking why things happen, why things work out, why not, what  leads to success and what kills the joy. Why there are situations where you feel like it is going well and suddenly you understand that things "not going to work out".

Watched like 7 TED conferences and in one of them Norman Rockwell was mentioned. I recall one painting of his, if I'm not mistaken it is called "School fight" and in the center of the painting there is sitting a brown-hair girl on a bench next to principles office. Two messy hair locks, ripped uniform, red ribbons, and drastically ignored discipline of a school blinding decent peoples eyes. Nevertheless, in the messy girls package also included black eye and extremely proud person's smile. Taking in to consideration that painting was created somewhere in 40s or 50s and manners was the main point of a children education. Aesthetics were taught and you had to know how to act in certain situation. This was inappropriate action.

I've been going in such a school of aesthetics in my early days, maybe when I was 4 or 5. That's where I learned how to use a teaspoon without making loud noises and how to eat cookies elegantly. But I was that schoolgirl who used to get into school fights and just sit there with a wide smile sipping my tea without a noise. After I started going to secondary school everything ended. There was no point be a rebel. But I am again.

Getting into brain fights "to tell or not to tell", "to do or not to do" I notice that everyday I get little bit more like Hamlet. That is just blabber.

So why things don't work out I didn't figure out. I just thought that assumptions might be a kill-joy. And well, I share my little emotions, I know that might not change anything. And I already learned not to expect a change. And even things don't work out... And if I get into fight and I loose. I would still be sitting with the biggest smile thinking that I gave it a shot.

So give it a shot. I don't encourage you to fight physically or be violent, but just give it a try. "Do one thing everyday that scares you" said Eleanor Roosevelt.

I did, I'm not sure if that worked out.

Let's share a place on a bench next to principles office.

With a fighter's spirit and muscled heart full of love,

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